To All the Ones I Have Hurt (Originally posted 04/05/2020)

This message is for all the one's I've hurt throughout my lifetime heck going back to 9th grade. Now, I'm not naming names, for legal purposes, therefore I'm not breaking any laws or putting individuals hurts out to the world! I know, I've apologized to y'all via another post. However, sitting here locked away, seemingly forgotten by family and friends alike, it gives one a lot of time to think. This morning, April 5 2020, I awoke with the lifetime of pain I've caused rolling through my mind. The Toby Keith song titled We Were In Love was also running through there..which is why I went so far back. Now, y'all know whom I'm talking about here. To the one's I've hurt, I am sorry. I'm sorry for causing you to have trust issues. I'm sorry for my crude teenage mindset sexual jokes and straying hands. I'm sorry for seemingly tearing out your heart, then stomping on it again in the future. This goes out to the one's I've hurt closer to the present day. I'm sorry..for leaving you alone with our child. Sorry for not telling the truth, by speaking partial truths and flat out deceit. I'm sorry for cheating on you. Fact is, I did and do love you. You are the Mother of our child and I thank God for you! A bit further in the future.. I'm sorry for cheating on you. For abusing your trust in me, even though it was unintentionally done, I still did, for that, I am so sorry. I'm sorry for the pain in your heart that's maybe left it cold as ice. For the trust issues that may plague you and the bitterness in your soul. Moving forward in time...to the one's I've hurt. I am sorry for not telling you the truth. For leading you on when I knew it would never work. For stomping on that big heart of yours over and over for 20 years. To the one's I've hurt the most, I'm sorry. Sorry for taking advantage of your trust although unintentional, it still occurred. Sorry for the way I behaved. My inappropriate words and wandering hands. I was wrong. I'm sorry for all the pain my actions caused you. The hurt in your hearts, the trust issues, maybe even sexual confusion. To all the one's I've hurt, I had told each and everyone of you "I love you" maybe even while I was causing you pain. I am so sorry for that! I had no idea what love was. My idea of love was twisted with lust cuz of what I'd experienced growing up. I know now what love is because of Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior. I ask to the one's I've hurt the most, for forgiveness. I also want to thank you. The actions some of you took has brought me to prison. Because of that, I've been able to really truly give my life to God. I always claimed to be a Christian before I got locked up, but I was NOT a follower of Jesus! A true Christian has a relationship with the God they serve. I had none and you could tell by the actions in which I persisted in. I ask forgiveness for my actions, taking full responsibility for what actually did happen. This 11 year mandatory sentence I'm doing sometimes gets to me. Being locked away, treated as barely human, forever labeled as a predator because of the partial truths spoken by myself and others.. I'll tell you what, there are times when I start to hate myself! Some of you may feel like that in a way. Hate yourself for not seeing things as they were, not protecting the one's you love..I get that. I feel like that myself. In my past I hurt the one's I claimed to love the most! Yet, at this moment I can say with the most certainty, I Love You. With the Love of Jesus Christ. See y'all, I seek forgiveness not for my sake, but yours. I know from personal experience that when you don't forgive it will eat you up inside, you'll carry anger, rage, and bitterness that WILL seep into the rest of your time on this earth. It will manifest in your reactions to others in your life. It will keep you up at night. Make your whole body ache. Have you riding a roller coaster of emotions, feeling happy, then extremely sad..and melancholy. I don't want this for you! Please learn from my mistakes! Or listen to Jesus Himself when He says "Whenever you stand praying, forgive,if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father Who is in heaven will also forgive you your transgressions."(Mark 11:25) Y'all, I want you to have peace and joy in your lives, and I know that with no forgiveness living inside you, well it can't happen! Sure, some may find peace while meditating,or drinking/ drugging, or sexing....but that peace won't and can't last because it is from the world, and frankly our own flesh that produces this feeling of peace! Jesus said in John 14:27(AMP) " Peace I leave with you; My [Own] peace I now give and bequeath to you.Not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. [Stop allowing yourselves to be agitated and disturbed; and do not permit yourselves to be fearful and intimidated and cowardly and unsettled.]" It took me a long time to forgive myself for all the pain I've caused. Even knowing that God forgave me the moment I asked forgiveness August 20, 2016. The day that I planned on taking my life because of all the mistakes..God sent a pastor who reminded me of Gods Love and forgiveness! Therefore the day that would've been my last became the reborn birthday of Nick Cutchall! I am not the same person I was before that day. I'm now a man. Not just a man, but a man so in love with his Lord that when those times come like this morning, or I start thinking about the only way out of here, to be a Dad for my son, is a miracle or recanting of statements.. I'll tell you what...I thank God I'm here right now serving and honoring God with my life! On those times when I start feeling unforgiveness pop up, I remind myself (which you can do also) that you (me) are forgiven! If you think you need my forgiveness for whatever reason, know this. You were forgiven on the day that was almost my last on earth! May God fill you with His Spirit, which brings peace.